For a Christmas party in 1999 I put a little green glitter in my beard.
When I moved out of the house in 2008 I found green glitter while cleaning up.
These days I open Christmas cards carefully, and take them outside the house if they have glitter on them.
Having worked at schools and come home looking like a cabaret dancer I know that when they redevelop these sites they really have to decontaminate them.
A friend used to do burlesque as a hobby; glitter is absolutely known as “burlesque herpes” in their house.
Dad, dad, can you help me with my homework?
Yes, what is it about?
Astronomy. How stars die, and how old they are when it happens?
Oh, that’s normally when they are 27 from overdose.
“Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?”
“No son”.
(Yes, we do this as a double act in our house)
Why did the cows all fall silent during the lunar eclipse?
Because there was no moo’n.
I was walking home the other night and I saw an apple pie just discarded. A little further on was a full peach melba just dumped on the floor. When I rounded the corner I was shocked to see a full cheesecake on the curb.
I’ve never seen the streets so desserted.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
Give a man a poisoned fish and he’ll eat for the rest of his life.
(From my 14 year old)
Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he’s warm for what’s left of his life.
Answer a student’s question and he’ll leave you alone for five minutes.
Give him 240V across the temples and he’ll leave you alone forever.
– Jake Kesinger
Give a man a jelly and he’ll eat for 5 minutes.
Set a man in jelly and you’re embarking on a career in symbolic serial killing.
I spent ages yesterday swapping the chocolate wrappers in the Celebrations tin.
My husband wasn’t very happy about it; he got his Snickers in a Twix.
Reminds me of this…
“All Fungi are edible.
Some fungi are only edible once.”
― Terry Pratchett
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
The fact that the Australian authorities didn’t realise the famous tennis player name “No-vac Yoh!-Covid” was a giveaway still leave us puzzled.
Why was oedipus a bad Latin student?
He conjugated what he should have declined.
(copied from somewhere else.)
Tea Phrasebook:
“Cup of tea?” - Welcoming a guest.
“Tea?” - I find this situation awkward.
“Spot of tea?” - A foreign guest has activated Hyper-English Mary Poppins mode.
“Pot of tea?” - Trying to impress in-laws.
“I’ll make some tea.” - There has been complete devastation.
