My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be because of my weekend immune system.
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Facebook reminded me of the time I accidentally changed all instances of ‘allocation-item’ to allocation-mite. Ten years later, the obvious joke presented itself:
Allocation-mites will eat holes in the heap.
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I’m sitting In a cool art cafe in Plymouth, because I am also cool. Bob Marley is singing (on the radio, not in person) and I have realised he’s the perfect match for my jokes.
Let me explain: ‘I don’t like reggae’ he sings. Wait, whaaat? Mind blown! Of all the chaps I know, surely Mr Bob Marley would be the -most- likely to enjoy a spot of reggae. What a delicious yet agonising tension this lyric sets up in the mind of a right-thinking person. This is what the first line of my many jokes also achieves. How can this be? I don’t understand. The audience is gripped by a desire, an ache, for the tension to be released.
Then, the masterstroke. ‘… I love it!’ The cheeky Caribbean funster reveals. Ahhh, of course! He had us going! The reason he doesn’t merely like reggae is because he only flipping loves it, as we all knew in our hearts.
Et voila! The release of tension, the ticklesome joy of being fooled by a master comedian.
My jokes have the same effect on the unwary. You’re welcome, all.
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… except I have now realised this song wasn’t by Bob Marley at all, but by a bunch of hirsute crooners from Stockport.
10cc, you are the biggest jokers of all. I salute you.
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Please tell me you knew that it was 10cc all along… My respect for you is hanging by a thread here.
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I didn’t know the name of the band. At least that is a positive thing, I guess?
I was reading recently about an air freshener controlled by the power of the mind! It makes scents when you think about it.
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Every unit comes with a poster saying “don’t think about curry farts”.
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Why do Communists only drink coffee?
Because proper tea is theft.
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Report to the reeducation center immediately, comrade.
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That is a cruel, cruel poster.
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In French, tea is thé; and the archaic medial s looks much like f. In combination, I reckon I can (sorta kinda) get “proper tea is taste” out of that :).
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I just read that the average person spends approximately 818 days of their life in the bathroom.
All I could think was, “All that time gone to waste.”
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Studies have shown that 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles never get over it.
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Are you in favour of horse puns: Yay or Neigh
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Gallop polls are inconclusive.
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Probably the most appropriate place for this.
Not bothered about the football but this is a lot of innuendo.
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Dad, can you explain to me what is an eclipse?
No, Sun.
When is the Moon heavier?
When it’s full.
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Did you hear on the news about the piece of wood spinning around downtown? It’s the top story!
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What did the tiger write his history paper on?
The roaring 20s.
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