My whole team just resigned over an ongoing pay dispute. The company had increased the salaries slightly, but none of us could make ends meet, and they told us that any further rise was out of the question. I’ll miss working as a magnetic levitation engineer.
Wait, let’s try that again…
My shoelace business isn’t going well. I thought I could double my revenues by cutting the laces in half, but I just can’t make ends meet.
I love all of you. Thank you for these. 
There’s got to be a sausage joke in here somewhere…
My local butcher used to make really good sausages, but recently the quality has just been terrible. The middle is fine but the rest tastes like sawdust. When I asked him about it he said that rising costs meant that he couldn’t afford to make ends meat anymore…
My half brother and I aren’t allowed to play with chainsaws anymore.
I sent the above to a friend of mine who is an astrophysicist and he sent me this in response. I laughed. 
“Mah wife were a lovely blushing bride. Turned out she were just embarrassed to be seen with me.”
-What do you know about atoms?
-Very little…
-And besides that, what else do you know about atoms?
Don’t trust them. They make up everything.
When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall. His statue in London is 15 feet tall. That’s Horatio of 3:1.
My buddy wants me to invest in his marsupial mixed martial arts league. He’s calling it “ Mortal Wombat “.
I’m getting movie vibes… “Mortal Wombat VS Kangaroo Kid”.
Don’t look at me that way: Sharknado?? Cocaine Bear??
-Have you ever seen an elephant hiding up in tree tops?
-No.
-They’re really good at it.
-Do you know why elephants paint their balls red?
-???
-To hide in cherry trees.
-Do you know what is the loudest sound in the jungle?
-No idea.
-Giraffes eating cherries.
Have you been watching/ listening to ‘We got the chocolates’?
An old cowboy goes to a barber for a haircut.
“Do you want a shave as well?”
“Nah. My cheeks are too wrinkled these days, I just end up gettin’ cut.”
“No problem! Just put this wooden ball in your mouth to push your cheek out, and I’ll shave it.”
Sure enough the shave goes well. The cowboy, impressed, says the the barber “Damn, this is the best shave I’ve had in years! But one question… what would happen if I had swallowed the ball?”
“Oh, don’t worry about it. It eventually comes out the other end, and then you just bring it back to me like everyone else has.”
Teacher: You’re below average at maths.
Student: That’s mean.
Teacher: sigh No… no it isn’t.
What’s the difference between a doctor, a nurse, and a physical therapist?
When you say “Doc, it hurts when I do this.”
they say “Then don’t do that.”
The nurse says “Do it more.”
The PT says “Do this other thing instead, it will make it hurt even more.”
That‘s not a joke though, just reality. Have you been looking through r/notTheOnion for some inspiration? 
We just learned that my grandfather is addicted to Viagra.
Nobody is taking it harder than grandma.
I’d opened up some tabs, and I assumed I was in the “How Are You Today?” thread when I started reading that. I’m just thankful that I wasn’t drinking my tea at the time!
