[Stage whisper] “I’m beginning to think my socks don’t respect me.”
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“The Black & White Minstrels Show was the first thing we watched on our new colour tv.”
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Mother: “Well leave the window open tonight if you’re warm.”
Me: “Can’t do that, there’s a giant hole in the screen the bugs will get in. They desire my flesh and blood.”
Mother: “It’ll be night time, the bugs can’t see in the dark.”
Me: “Yes they can.”
Mother: “And how do you know this?”
Me: “Because I am a genius.”
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“You’re right, there is an aura of Beef Monster Munch.”
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“Several separate hen parties complimented me on my beard last night.”
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This was, in fact, true. Maybe I should spend more time in Leeds. Or not.
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An unkind person could suggest that the fact it was hen parties might indicate that you looked rather like a cock. I would of course distance myself from such cruelty.
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“Please don’t lick the ‘phone, it sets the touchscreen off.”
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“If you see with your ears, there is no darkness”
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Heard this morning on the radio:
“Took my kids to the zoo (it is half term school holidays here in NZ) and the little one needed to use the toilet. From the next cubicle, a little girl’s voice goes: “Muuum? Why is your front bum hole so biiiig?””
I laughed so hard I had to stop on the side because I could not drive safely.
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Nice.
Just the other day from our boy (musing in the shower, in Japanese):
“Papa’s (your) willy is big.”
“K’s (my) willy is small.”
“Mama doesn’t have a willy, mama has a bum.”
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… only silence.
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I’m the top pencil now.
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My account was hacked.
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Not to mention my testicles.
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I blame the damn rabbits!
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“I’m casting it on behalf of the fish!”
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Last night I found it necessary to pull my other half out of an endless doomscroll as it approached midnight. Very few tactics seem to work here, so this time I attempted to open up my own instagram and narrate what I saw (revealing the beast for what it was.)
“It’s a dog. It’s lying on the ground. Now it’s moving around but still lying on the ground.”
“Someone wants me to buy a wallet. It is supposedly better than mine.”
“Here is a dude I don’t remember friending. With a kid. Possibly his own.”
“It’s our family. Five people like us.”
“They want me to buy deodorant. A woman is smelling her boyfriend’s armpit and smiling.”
“It’s a joke about the boy scouts. Would you like to hear it?”
Well, it worked.
9 Likes
Thinking of our party in the current game…
“He’s impulsive. He’s overconfident. Together, they are… dead.”
“This is the most relaxed I’ve been…” [counts on fingers] “since I left the seminary. And I don’t like it.”
11 Likes