I need to go back to the Prince Charles cinema in London, they do this kind of thing all the time:
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Lovely cinema.
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I’m going to have trouble capturing this conversation:
Nanny: Oh look, [child’s name], you went so far!
Alexa: ding Ok, here is big fart. PPPPBBBBBBBTTTTTT.
Me: Wow. In the history of Alexa’s misunderstandings…
Alexa: Now ask me for a Juicy Fart
Me: Yeah, not going to do that. What do you think she–
Alexa: ding Ask me for Juicy Fart, or say “Random Fart.”
All: …
Alexa: Ask me for…
Me: sigh OK. ALEXA. RANDOM FART.
Alexa: PPPPPBBBBBBTTTTTT. That was Juicy Fart. Now ask me for a “Forced Fart,” or say, “Random Fart.”
Me: … She really wanted to share that one.
Alexa: Ask me for a Forced Fart, or say, “Random Fart.”
Me: I don’t know what is happening anymore.
Nanny: Forced Fart.
Alexa: PPPPPPBBBBBBBTTTTT. Now ask me for, “Squeaky Balloon Fart,” or-
Me: Oh my gosh, Alexa, STOP THIS NOW!
Alexa: ding
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Gosh, wasn’t she playful yesterday?
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My kids managed to get Alexa into this weird fart mode as well, which made me have an out of body experience where I looked at myself, a 45-year old well-educated chubby nerd, on my knees in the living room begging my ‘smart’ speaker to stop farting.
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Welcome to the future 
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“Alexa, open a window…”
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My child must never learn of this. He gets enough of a thrill taunting us with “Farting Simon Says”, which is the only thing Alexa brings up when you say “Simon Says”.
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“People are realising that they don’t want to spend twelve euros on a penis-shaped cabbage”
(This was in relation to the German asparagus crisis, about which I’m sure you’re all as well-informed as I am).
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There is an asparagus crisis? I had no idea. (But then we were in Italy the last two weeks)
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I’m reliably informed that there is, although I do not know the nature of the crisis.
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Huh. You’re right. I just googled it. Ah well, my bad for not being home eating strawberries and asparagus as I should. Good idea though I need to get back to that. The season for asparagus is too short as it is. And I also need strawberries. I think I know what I am doing tomorrow before work.
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“Asparagus crisis” sounds exactly as toff-like as it should.
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The crisis in question this year being that too few people are buying these “luxury veggies and fruit” because high gas prices and other inflation. So now the farmers are sitting on their expensive produce and have to sell it cheaper than they normally would. Last year the crisis was about there not being people to pick the asparagus as it is back-breaking work that is usually done by migrant workers who got special dispensation to come into the country despite pandemic travel restrictions so we could all have our favorite April/May vegetable–or so I seem to remember. The year before that nobody was thinking much about asparagus and that’s where my memories end.
(My grandfather was well-known in some parts around here for being the most prodigious asparagus eater of all time and my dad tries to follow the family tradition… I hated the stuff for many years until a few years ago I trained myself to tolerate it a few times a year so my partner doesn’t have to miss out and also I do kind of enjoy it because: I learned to make a good Hollandaise and smother the stalks in it. The tip is really the only thing that actually tastes like anthing. The rest is just stalky stalks no matter how soft you cook it)
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Henceforth I shall no longer refer to asparagus as anything but ‘penis cabbage’.
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My only insight into asparagus is a fascinating one if you didn’t already know: Its notorious effect on the smell of urine only affects some people, but for two separate reasons, both of which I found slightly surprising. Firstly, it only causes that effect at all for some people. Secondly, some people can’t smell that odour. So you can have people who create the smell, but can’t smell it themselves, so don’t know they’re doing it; and other people who can smell it, but potentially have no idea what’s causing it, if they don’t also create it themselves.
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Wait, asparagus has a notorious effect on the smell of urine?
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Quite notorious! Or rather odious. Or is it odorous?
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