Actual things you actually said (or heard) in the last 24 hours

“A digital recreation of the acoustics of a Death Star urinal…”

6 Likes

At Expo: “Never mind the year, I’m not as young as I was on Thursday.”

6 Likes

I have to type something here

6 Likes

If you want Jerrry Springer’s balls, they’re in that bucket.

4 Likes

“I lived.”

“Yes, but at what cost?”

4 Likes

“Wait. Funky as in James Brown or funky as in expired mayonnaise?”

9 Likes

‘Let’s Twist again, like we did last summer.’

(Our local board game cafe is called ‘Twist’, and we haven’t been for a while.)

8 Likes

Makes me think of a saying my wife taught me: “Funny ‘Ha-Ha’, or funny ‘This meat is tainted?’”

4 Likes

Wife: I love you more than bacon. Yes I do.
Me: What about butter?
Wife: Don’t press your luck.

9 Likes

Do you want to try the submarine in the whale butt?

(no context will be provided)

6 Likes

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Knock knock.
Knock knock who?
Who knock there?
There who knock knock?
Is who knocking there?
Ok, we need an exit strategy.

8 Likes

“The sea is a harsh mistress. Wearing kinky boots.”

6 Likes

Well then who’s there?
Yes.
I mean the fellow’s name.
Who.
The guy at the door.
Who.
The one in the knock knock joke.
Who.
The guy knocking…
Who is there!
I’m asking YOU who’s there.
That’s the man’s name.
That’s who’s name?
Yes.
Well go ahead and tell me.
That’s it.
That’s who?
Yes.
Look, you gotta knock knock joke?
Certainly.
Who’s knocking?
That’s right.

8 Likes

Want to hear my favorite knock knock joke?
Sure.
OK, you start.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?

7 Likes
7 Likes

I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. I was flexing my toes.

6 Likes

“And just when you think things couldn’t get any more awesome the ninja nuns show up.”

8 Likes

1950s, Antarctica, talking to some Germans who don’t know the war is over. “OK, can we convince them? How quickly can we get Admiral Dönitz down here? He’s in prison right now, but I’m sure he’ll cooperate.”

“Nazi management science sneers at positive motivation!”

“These are the days when having half your missile filed with red fuming nitric acid seems like a good idea.”
“Gee, and I thought that was just a footnote in the memetic warfare textbook.”

“They built 394 B-36s. That ought to be enough wing area to eclipse some of the smaller states,”

5 Likes

Sadly,only 1/26,000 of a Rhode Island.

5 Likes

“Apparently Nike is 3D printing her gear and it will only weigh as much as 8 marshmallows. But it doesn’t say if that’s large or small marshmallows.”

5 Likes