Songs titles with contrived narratives

Not Games
1

I used to do a thing in the past which I think is a fun game. It goes something like this:

Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of the band Red Hot Chilli Peppers, is a noted connoisseur of Louisiana Cuisine. He was hanging with his friend and founder of communism Marx and they decided to go to a restaurant one day. Upon leaving Anthony bemoaned the restaurant’s authenticity

Karl, a phony Cajun!

He said.

Lady Gaga was walking with her best friend, the gangster Mr. Capone and they’re spending a lovely day at the boating lake and Capone says he wants to go out into the lake. Gaga is enthusiastic but laments, on account of her recent foot surgery, that all the boats are actually pedalos. All feels lost until all of a sudden she exclaims

Al, a hand row!

And so on.

3 Likes
2

Shaggy dog stories for song titles, then? Excellent : )

When I was little and the whole family was on a long car trip, my dad once spent what seemed like about half an hour spinning out such a yarn with the eventual punch-line being a derivation of “It’s a long way to Tipperary”. As this was a song that I was unfamiliar with at the time, the extremely long-winded joke fell rather flat for me! (although I think that somehow ended up making it more memorable).

2 Likes
3

To follow the ‘elaborate shaggy dog stories for songs you don’t know as explained by your dad’ sub thread.

Al Capone is furious. A feral tabby has crawled into this dressing room and ripped his brand new Italian leather shoes to pieces.

So Al puts out a contract on the moggy, for ten grand, he wants the furball alive, so he can teach it a lesson.

He hears nothing for over a month, and then a small polite man knocks softly on his door and asks;

Pardon me Al, is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?

4 Likes
4

Bonnie Tyler visited her local museum to see the acclaimed new exhibition about Homer’s Odyssey. She was particularly interested in the island of Ogygia where Odysseus spent seven years as a captive of the nymph Calypso – the daughter of Pleione and the Titan Atlas – who finally allowed him to leave only when ordered to do so by Hermes (acting as the messenger for Zeus, who has been persuaded by Athena to intervene). Tyler was especially fascinated by the exhibition’s rare depictions of a little-known nuance of the story whereby the nymph, who loves Odysseus, secretly follows him out to sea as he departs. Disguising herself as a sea turtle, she follows Odysseus’ raft to ensure that he departs the island in safety out to the open waters, and to bid him a final farewell.

Having read all of the details of the legend, Tyler then turned her attention to the accompanying paintings and engravings, on display under the banner “Turtle Calypso: The Art”.

8 Likes
5

This thread is already flat-out amazing.

2 Likes
6

I’m completely lost on what song @RossM is referring to…

3 Likes
7

So was I. I mean it’s only 80 years old.

Chattanooga Choo Choo - YouTube

1 Like
8

Britney Spears attempting to speak while with the stomach flu resulted in her trying to Talk Sick.

P!nk, hearing about her colleague’s difficulties, quickly rushed to a nearby pharmacy to get something to help. Sadly, her favourite pharmacy had been built on a tall cliff and was destroyed by flash flooding. In the aftermath swarms of bedbugs and other bloodsucking insects had overrun the location, driven by high water flooding. She sadly returned home, empty handed from her trip, having only found just lice on a hill.

3 Likes
9

Simon Le Bon had so much money in the 80s that he did what any new millionaire would do - spent most of his fortune playing Whack-a-mole. Well, of course, he sprained his elbow - an injury his orthopaedic surgeon, a fairly laid-back character, called ‘whack ill’. When it was at its worst for him, I met him in the gym and he noticed my own arm-brace (due to a vigorous masturbation injury). As he compared his elbow support with mine, he asked me, ‘’ave you too, ‘whack ill’?’.

Hey, I didn’t start this thread, okay? Don’t blame me.

4 Likes
10

Did you ever hear the legend of St. Treem - it was said he was such a divine fisherman that he could even fish sin itself out of the river. Well, one day Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton were sitting beside each other fishing. Kenny was being extremely boastful of his skills in landing fish, to the point where Dolly exploded, ‘God Damn it Kenny, who do you think you are?’, to which Kenny replied;
’I land sin, thus: Treem.'

6 Likes
11

I going to pre-empt this and say that everyone who posts in the thread will be banned.

11 Likes
12

Aw. But I have another 349 queued and ready to go!

5 Likes
13

I haven’t said when they’ll be banned. So go ahead.

2 Likes
14

Pink Floyd’s David Gilmour was suffering from severe writer’s block on account of a recurring nightmare, from which he would start awake each night consumed by an overwhelming sense of betrayal. His sleep patterns were shattered, and the dulled capacity of his sleep-deprived brain left him devoid of inspiration for new songs.

Upon finally seeking professional help, his psychotherapist suggested that some forgotten trauma from David’s childhood was coming to the surface, and suggested the use of hypnotherapy to try to discover what this was. David agreed, and so they embarked together upon a journey into his past. In each weekly session, Dr Sturges would put David into a hypnotic state, place a pen and pad in his hands, and take his mind back to ever-younger days, in search of the moment of betrayal which was now having such a profound effect.

Many weeks went by to no avail, until one day David seemed different. “How do you feel?” asked Sturges. “Excited” replied David. “Why is that?” asked the doctor. “Because I’m going to meet a real live fairy!” responded David, his usually calm hypnotic demeanour giving way to a more animated state as he relived the moment from his past. “My front tooth fell out” he continued, “and the Tooth Fairy is going to visit me tonight to take my tooth, and give me money!” He paused and his eyes flickered momentarily side to side, before adding in a whisper “but I’m not going to fall asleep… I’m going to stay awake all night and be the first one of all my friends to meet the Tooth Fairy in person!”

A moment more passed and then he whispered “Ssshhhh… I have to be quiet now.”

“Use your pad and pen” said Doctor Sturges, and he moved to see what David would write. The written words came out sporadically and less-coherently than the spoken words had done, but still gave a sense of what was happening in his mind.

… Wait
… Yawn tired yawn
… How much long
… Awake still
… Tooth pillow there
… Fairy fly wing?
… Voices?
… Noise door handle
… Eyes close quiet quiet
… Footsteps room
… Pillow moving
… Look Now!

There was a pause, and then David’s face changed. His eyes were suddenly wide open, but not seeing Dr Sturges, and his look of excitement had turned to one of shock. His pen hand moved suddenly, flickering one final line across the pad before he jerked awake with a start, his face panicked and confused as he looked around the doctor’s office, clearly unaware of what had just taken place, but feeling the same sense of betrayal that had haunted him for so long.

Slowly he looked down at his pad, where he had written the words:

Earning Tooth Lie.

4 Likes
15

Lady Gaga was in charge of writing the fancy invitations to her friend Adele’s wedding. Now Gaga wasn’t going to write all of the invites so she brought in her friends the Teletubbies to help out. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, LaLa were doing a grand job in reacreating the swooshy font desired by Gaga but the last one kept messing it up, constantly starting with something that looked like Arial font at the start before smoothly going into the desired look. Exasperated Lady Gaga yelled:

Po! Curve “A”s

3 Likes
16

Agnetha, beautiful star of the iconic ABBA, has been struggling with aching thighs recently. She heard that Robert E. Howard was something of an expert in twinges in these regions, despite his irritating habit of referring to them as ‘thews’. He examined her and after a few moments of entirely appropriate palpation, he pronounced that she was suffering from an ‘inert ache’ caused by excessive leg folding whilst sitting (Agnetha is obsessed by both yoga and Grand Theft Auto 5, and will sit folded like an envelope for hours whilst bustin’ lights and causin’ trouble). Fortunately, the solution was simple - when the ache struck, Agnetha must unfold, or ‘sit tall’ as Robert, with his poetic and literary mind, insisted on putting it. Perhaps patronisingly, to help her remember this frankly very simple advice, he made her memorise a mantra for when the pain struck:

Thew inert ache? Sit tall.

5 Likes
17

Hear hear!

4 Likes
18

David Byrne was hosting a retrospective showing of classic Talking Heads videos. Still annoyed at the time he found himself sitting behind Art Garfunkel in the cinema and completely unable to see the screen, he instituted a strict policy that all attendees must either be bald, shaven-headed or else wear swimming caps, so that nobody would endure that same disappointment as him.

With showtime only moments away he was surprised to see empty seats on the second row, until the doors opened and in rushed Brian May, Leo Sayer and Zoot Money, whose taxi had been stuck in traffic. All three were conspicuously hirsute. Frowning, David scribbled a note and had it passed along to them:

Row 2 - No hair

6 Likes
19

Annoyingly, this is my favourite yet. Maybe I like it even more because I’ve met Brían May. And, in my heart, I have a little Leo Sayer.

3 Likes
20

I mean this literally, not metaphorically. Long story, but I will say that some curses are really hard to fix.

2 Likes