They only weigh a refraction of what you’d expect.
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Science teacher: ‘And if you want to know the colours of the rainbow, just remember: “Richard of York Gave Battle in Vain”.’ 
Student: ‘What a load of bollocks! Can’t you people make up your minds? Half an hour ago, the history teacher told us that Richard of York gave battle in Wakefield.’
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My therapist says I have an addiction to vengeance.
… we’ll see about that…
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New favourite dad joke of mine…
“Why sharks live in salty water…?
Because pepper makes them sneeze”.
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Two women are hanging out and chatting. One of them leans over and whispers “Last night, I slept with two Brazilian guys at the same time!”
The other, shocked, responds “Wow, you’re so bad!.. but how many is a Brazilian…?”
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According to Freud, what is between fear and sex?
Fünf
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This took me a second. 
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A: Knock! Knock!
B: Who’s there?
A: Control Freak.
B: Contr…
A: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
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I tried this on my (adult) son. He smiled, patted me on the head and called me a freak, affectionately.
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Two of my friends just got married to each other in a lovely ceremony. They met through their shared hobby: ham radio.
Great reception, by the way.
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From my 9 yo daughter:
Have you heard any rumours about the movie “Constipation”?
…
It must not have come out yet…
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Your 9 yo daughter might enjoy this one from the old SUSD forum:
The “Writer’s Block Alphabet Soup” trial reached its conclusion today when, having finally digested all the evidence, the judge passed sentence.
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I have seen people genuinely upset by skew dice:
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They are an affront to all good things. 
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Burn them, burn them with fire.
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My partner has recently expressed an interest in bondage.
I can’t say I’m crazy about it, but what can I do? My hands are tied.
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