I asked the librarian where I could find books about paranoia.
She leaned in and whispered “They’re behind you!”.
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Did you hear the one about the farmer who crossed a field with a dairymaid and got nothing at all?
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What, he didn’t even give her a green gown?
(Mediæval bawdiness is rarely subtle, just coded.)
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I know there are a lot of rumours about me joining a society of Trappist monks. I’m saying nothing.
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A man walking down the street sees a person with a giant peach for a head.
“I’m sorry to bother you, but I have to ask… why do you have a giant peach for a head?”
“Oh, it’s actually a funny story! I found an old lamp, and when I cleaned it, a genie popped out and granted me three wishes! For my first wish, I wished for a billion dollars to be deposited into my account and poof! More money than any sane person could ever want or spend.”
“Yeah, that makes sense.”
“For my second wish, I wished for the most beautiful woman alive to fall in love with me, and poof! I saw put in your favourite female actor here or use mine, Hitomi Yoshizawa running towards me and we’re now engaged, and the wedding is in a month!”
“Amazing!”
“And for my third wish I wished for my head to be a giant peach.”
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I recently took a poll* and discovered that 100% of the people in the tent were angry with me when it collapsed.
*It should be “pole,” but then the joke doesn’t quite land right? It’s obviously better verbally.
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At a comedy gig last week:
“Raise your hand if you don’t like being tricked into taking a survey.”
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My kids have started playing the online poker based game.
It’s only called Balatro in North America, in Britain we call it Boriander
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My doctor says that I’m going deaf.
That news was hard to hear.
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Years ago, I went for an interview to be a baker. As I sat down, I noticed a lump of pale yellow material covered in flour on the table.
‘What’s that?’ I asked the interviewer.
‘Dough,’ they said. ‘You’ll be kneading that.’
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I was confused too, but they explained that ‘kneading’ and ‘needing’ are homonyms, leading to a slight moment of dissonance which causes rib-tickling; it was, in fact, a sort of joke, you see. Anyway, we had a good laugh about it. I didn’t get the job.
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If you fancy listening to a complex joke about homonyms:
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I went to the doctor and told her I’d been bitten by a wolf! She said, ‘Where?’
I said, ‘No, just a regular one.’
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She said ‘How?’
I said ‘Awwooooooooooooooooooooo!!!’
‘No, how ?’
‘Oh, I was hiking in the woods, and I got a bit too close.’
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I’m reminded of the story about Colonel Penn and his family pie business.
The pie shop was set up by Penn’s father, although it was his father’s
sisters who actually made the pies. The sisters were famous for making
fantastic pies and selling them at bargain prices, which made the pies
tremendously popular. Everybody loved the pie rates of Penn’s aunts.
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My first job was assembling plastic vampires on a production line. I was only working with one other person so I had to make every second count.
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Last night my friend was arrested for eating a load of batteries! Thankfully I just heard that they’re not going to charge him.
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That’s a relief! Most batteries aren’t properly rechargeable, so it could be very dangerous. He might have been hurt.
What’s his current condition?
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I think proper diagnosis has been impeded. There’s a lot of potential, but due to the stress he’s feeling pretty wired.
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He’s a little drained, but staying positive.
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