How are you today?

[Marx]

I hate buying gifts. Hate it. I always give crap gifts, and historically people buy me really crap gifts.

This morning Andy and I had a fight because I asked her what she wanted for Xmas. Like I have every year for the last 14 (of the 17 we have been together). And she got upset at me because apparently I am supposed to just know what to get her.

If I knew what to get her, I wouldn’t ask. But I don’t, and I don’t want her to get something crappy (like she often gets me).

And when I said that she sometimes gets me gifts I am not fond of, she got very defensive. Because I always appreciate the gesture, but most of the time they aren’t things I actually want (last year was a notable exception… she got me an awesome LEGO castle).

I just don’t have the spoons for this these days.

Added bonus: caught a cold! No major issues, just general soreness and a cough if I talk for more than a few minutes.

My job involves a lot of talking. So now it also involves a lot of coughing. Yay.

[Benkyo]

When I was young, I was in the no lists, only surprises camp. Now I’m in the no gifts camp, but of course I have to buy for our kids, and yeah, really just need them to tell us what they want.

I don’t see any point in getting into an argument with someone firmly in the no lists only surprises camp though. That’s never going to work out. For them, I think it’s all about the thought and effort, so saying they sometimes get dud gifts is rejecting that core premise, and can only cause harm.

[yashima]

It is very hard to give gifts when you have to.

Sometimes I just find something nice that fits with a person and I want to give it to them. And that is awesome but forced gift giving… for adults…

I do appreciate gestures, but I also appreciate that we have managed to not get gifts anymore and it‘s not like we say we don‘t but then we do. Nope. We each indulge ourselves a little for the Holidays. Christmas is about traditions, relaxing and chilling.

That said… depending on various factors,

here‘s what I can think of what I would appreciate if we were still giving gifts.

• some really nice chocolates—better fewer but higher quality or some good macarons
• something nice to drink—give me a bottle of some nice bubbly and I am happy.
• not the season but I have a favorite flower, just a bunch of those—nothing fancy just tulips—red ideally.
• some really nice tea or espresso (no mug please, we have those)
• maybe if something is broken or about to break in my kitchen getting me a new one would be kind of neat (our microplane is almost falling apart)
• a nice dinner at a favorite place or at the new local place we‘ve been meaning to go to since we moved
• organizing something I always say we really should do more often like a visit to the thermal baths/wellness place we both enjoy
• I am left-handed and often struggle with certain tools, finding one I have yet to replace or even giving me a second one of those awesome peelers (that someone gifted me 15 years ago)… would be pretty neat
• I‘ve been meaning to get a big print of one of those NASA posters … if for some reason one appeared here without me having to order it… awesome
• a good cookbook from a favorite cuisine or maybe from a dream place I would like to travel to
• Books and boardgames are hard. Just let me get those myself.
• Some homemade food item … just saw a weird recipe for preserved egg yolks?
• A selection from the Italian food specialty store I‘ve been meaning to get to but haven‘t (but surely tomorrow I‘ll find the time finally, we‘re completely out of both the good olive oil and the awesome fig balsam vinegar)
• There‘s a food tour around the local area we heard about but haven‘t yet done, get me tickets for that please
• Movie Tickets for Dune 2…

I am just listing stuff that I am thinking about that I would appreciate. We‘re all different but maybe there is some inspiration here

I on the other hand mostly gift people with photo stuff. I make calendars, photo books etc. these have been much appreciated over the years. But that‘s my thing kind of and when we meet friends and I start taking pictures of everyone, they will readily pose in happy anticipation of the next calendar.

PS I really don‘t like any big surprises. Small gestures yes. Big surprises are big nono.

[SteveB_uk]

I am terrrrible at choosing gifts, and every year is stressful.

The one exception is my partner, thankfully, because she’s a massive nerd and very easy to buy for.

[JGD]

I have a theory of gift-buying which has served me well for decades.

The best gift is something the recipient didn’t know existed and would gave bought for themselves if they knew. But that’s really hard to do, so I don’t try.

The next step down is something that’s genuinely good. Buying that is far easier if it’s in a field that you know about. So I usually buy people either books or chocolate, because I understand both of those quite well.

For buying books, the trick is to get something that’s on the edge of their interests, but interesting in its own right. For example, I have a cousin who’s a professional Country & Western musician, even though she’s from Yorkshire. She isn’t very successful yet, but she works at it. I cannot pick books to help her with composing music, I don’t understand that at all. So I buy her books of poetry from various cultures, because there’s a chance that reading poetry will inspire a lyric, and if it’s outside the western canon, it may be an interesting lyric.

If you immerse yourself in some field, you develop a subconscious understanding of it and become alert to obscure developments. This really helps with buying interesting presents. My finest example of that was when I found A Theology of Eating while looking for a Christmas present for my mother. She’s been a capable cook for at least seventy years, and studies theology in some depth. I had to buy it, for the title alone; there could be no more appropriate book for her. Fortunately, it is also a good book on its subject.

[Chewy77]

@yashima

(our microplane is almost falling apart)

Sorry, your what?

With gifts, I am lucky to say that we are lucky enough to, if needed, ask what the other wants. And with the kids, well, that’s what letters to the Three Wise Men (or Santa) are for. And then you see the stratospheric prices of what kids want these days and you buy a cheaper or different version, so they learn about deception like I did in the 80s

Another good hint. Get a list on your phone (notebook app, there’s thousands out there) and use it to write down things that you notice through the year that your partner fancies particularly (book, item of clothing, whatever). Then by November, review it. And delete it or at least date it.

I am lucky that if I go through the psychology/self help sections in the bookshops very often I will find a book that my partner will find useful for her work (she is an addictions counsellor). And then there is always the value of adding chocolate or alcohol to something that is not too expensive.

That’s my 50 cents

[Acacia]

JGD has some great advice. And I like the tiering - we know what the best gifts are and if they pop into the field of view, great. But don’t beat yourself up about reaching them.

I have another crutch, which is when in doubt get something consumable. Gourmet hot chocolate. A few bottles of wine. A book is good. Restaurant gift certificate. Bag of coffee. Whatever. If it isn’t permanent, the threshold of how good it has to be is a little softer. And no one’s fussed about getting something they don’t love if they don’t have to decide what to do with it down the road.

[pillbox]

Occasionally, I’ll get brilliantly inspired when coming up with a gift idea for my partner; when that happens, I get to enjoy the genuine look of joy on her face when she opens it.

But these last few years her time and patience for hobbies has waned. It’s still sometimes possible to bottle some lightning, but more often than not, I’m shopping for ideas to improve her quality of life for the season of life we are currently in. So, yes, for one Mother’s Day, she got a bundle of cutting boards (because they were small enough to fit in our dishwasher, and cheap enough to replace if they became so warped by the dishwasher to be unusable). I want to give her board games, because I yearn for those years past when we used to play games together – something that hasn’t happened consistently since children, but I’ve learned my lesson (for the most part… she still gets games occasionally, but it’s usually the “next Ticket to Ride installment” (because she loves the series and having more variety makes it more palatable for me) but even that is coming to a close (I won’t be buying Ticket to Ride: Berlin because we still have Ticket to Ride: San Francisco in shrink.

But on those occasions I just didn’t have inspiration for a “great gift”, I let her know ahead of time – because she genuinely enjoys receiving gifts and will be devastated if I don’t properly set expectations… in part because I’ve done very well in certain situations.

But now that we’ve been together for over a decade, those inspiration moments are coming more and more seldom, especially as her days fill more and more with caring for children and running our household, rather than pursuing personal interests. This year we’re strategically (tactically?) looking for a good deal on the cordless vacuum/mop/floor cleaner thing she desperately wants, but we can’t afford.

Last year, my partner discovered she greatly enjoyed jigsaw puzzles. I have now have half a dozen puzzles waiting to be gifted to her (just like I have half a dozen board games ready to gift her) (did you know there are so many beautiful jigsaw puzzles out there?)

My best advice for gift giving is to keep a journal (written or mental) about what would make someone smile. This is ever more difficult as our lives come more and more embroiled in raising children – at the moment, my partner is the only person I put effort into surprising on special occasions, and I’m batting about 500 on that over the last couple of years.

---

My evolution for receiving gifts is complicated. I used to abhor random surprise gifts; now I cherish them. You can really feel connected to someone when they gift you something that genuinely makes you smile. As a semi-not-recovering materialist (it’s complicated), I love stuff, but I have ever increasing desire for human connection and value that more and more each year.

[Chewy77]

That is not all. Lately, we have been enjoying giving each other tickets to a day experience, like for her last summer a got her a motorless flying experience, soaring over the bay. So maybe something like that? Spa day, or facial treatment, or a massage with a professional masseuse…? A few years ago I got given a falconry day, and loved it. Then the last few years I received for my brithday tickets to Hobbiton, a Escape Room day, a shooting day…

Those can be really good, and you don’t clutter the house up.

[Acacia]

Yeah, let’s get practical and help a brother out. @Marx, give us some prompts.

What is she a fan of? Volvos? The Leafs? Wool? Fiddle music? Kinkead? Pugs?

What is her favorite time of day or happiest rituals?

What did she not get to this last year? Any missed opportunities?

If we can generate 20 or so ideas between us I’m sure one or two will have merit.

[Acacia]

@pillbox

for a good deal on the cordless vacuum/mop/floor cleaner thing she desperately wants, but we can’t afford.

How many copies of roads and boats do you have to sell to close the gap?

[pillbox]

All three, maybe? I dunno. Household budgeting has become a lot more difficult recently due to inflation.

[Marx]

Well, there have been a lot of good suggestions already, and I’m hoping I can find something that she’ll like.

Andy’s tastes are… mercurial. The big problem is twofold:

1. She’s anti-materialism. She hates “stuff”. She hates clutter. She has almost no positive feelings associated with things, and is constantly purging things from the household (this is a source of some friction, because I love stuff. My father used to go through my room and throw out anything he didn’t approve of or recognize, so most of my books and RPGs ended up in the trash, and my mom would take all my toys every year or so and donate them to her daycare for the kids there to play with… as a result, having stuff I am allowed to keep is very comforting to me). So artistic thingies, tools, and clothing is all out. She has far more money than I do, and so anything she wants she gets (usually thrifting/upcycling, because she’s big into that).
2. She’s a big reader, but she doesn’t like owning books (libraries). She likes arts and crafts, but she shifts between projects (cross stitch, puzzles, papercraft, she just finished one of those little Rolife bookshelf thingies) and she purges all of it as soon as she’s done and doesn’t like having stuff waiting (it’s stresses her out to have projects that she hasn’t started).

She doesn’t like jewellery, she’s currently off puzzles, she doesn’t drink (the very occasional craft beer or sipping whisky), she likes coffee and tea…

Oooh. Maybe I could get her a good coffee maker? The old one we had lasted 15 months (14 month warranty, I kid you not), and if it’s something that we use she doesn’t mind the “clutter” element as much. She tried to get it repaired (see anti-materialism note above) but it was beyond the capacities of the local Maker/Fixer space to heal.

Well, it’s something at least… I’ll grab some nice chocolates (which she loves) and maybe a bag of fancy eco-friendly beans?

[Captbnut]

A portable coffee grinder, or a mini flask. 2 coffee cups and a Pinterest page of everywhere outside you’ll drink coffee together over the next year?

Or a tea or coffee subscription?

Some Nordic socks (because I assume it must get really cold where you are)

Round here one of our local colleges does cheap courses for stuff like plumbing or carpentry. Is there anything like that you could enrol her on?

Some seeds to grow her own herb garden?

Curate a list of podcasts/ books you think she’d like but has not heard of?

[Captbnut]

I often get gift inspiration from listening to podcasts. Kate likes history, so when I’m listening to an episode of something like You’re Dead to Me and I think the topic is something she’d like I look for a book related to it. Or cookbook ideas from Off Menu.

I keep a list, but it’s an Amazon wishlist because it’s easy on my phone.

Buying for men, the best advice is a better version of something they already have. Wallet, belt, gloves, slippers etc.

I’ve started trying to buy secondhand books where possible.

[yashima]

Microplanes are great kitchen tools. We have 2. 1 for zesting and one for cheese. And a boxed version I can take on travels.

Hobby/interest adjacent books is great advice.
And consumables.

Very good advice all around dearest forum-denizens

[Captbnut]

Now I need to buy my wife a travel microplane!

Do you own a potato ricer?

[yashima]

No we don‘t own one. But it would be useful making spätzle

Here‘s the box one.

[tomm_archer]

Here’s how gift giving and receiving goes in my immediate family.

Brother - We have very similar interests so I’ll see things I like over the course of the year and get them for him. This often leaves me a bit disappointed I didn’t get the thing for myself.

He does all his Xmas shopping on Xmas eve before getting the train home. Most years I don’t get a gift.

Mother - I don’t like buying my parents “tat”, especially not after they moved house. My mum loves baking so that’s always good for ideas. Last year I bought some nice chopping boards because her old ones were falling apart but she’s afraid to use them for damaging them. If inspiration strikes I will make her an Xmas ornament. This year it’s back to candles. (Generally I’m a fan of gifting consumables, candles, coffee, etc. as I don’t like the idea of filling up someone’s house.)

I start getting questions in September/October about what I want for Xmas. In the past I’ve given responses but they then tend to become tradition. (I currently have more hot chocolate than I will ever need ) I tend to buy things I want but occasionally it would be nice to be surprised by something. I think I’m pretty easy to buy for.

Father - Same applies about “tat”. I normally ask my mum for ideas. He only really gets gifts for my mum and they tend to be a bit jokey.

[SteveB_uk]

The only way that worked for me is to make a note of possible gifts through the year when I see them. Start a gmail draft with anything in it that catches your eye in any month. This includes anything they comment on positively even if its in January.

Then when December comes around, you have some options.

My brother is impossible to buy for. He lives in the US, knows about the latest trends six months before I do, has enough money to buy an item if he wants it, and is working too hard to spend a lot of time reading books. Impossible. I have to resort to UK-only things he might get a nostalgia kick out of.