A client phoned the practice today asking if anyone could help with his sick giraffe. I considered it, but didn’t want to stick my neck out.
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Been getting into sketching recently, so I asked my friend if I could do a portrait of her. She said no. I asked her why but she simply refused to be drawn.
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My daughter nearly went to a school that was just on the television, all transmitted via radio waves! It looked great, but the reception wasn’t very good.
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“Been getting into drawing recently, and decided that I wanted to draw a picture of my friends deep in discussion. Unfortunately, one of my friends said no, and when I asked her why… well, she outright refused to be drawn into a conversation.”
(I like the joke, though! Clever!)
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A physicist froze herself to -273°C.
People were concerned at first, but her colleagues confirmed that she was 0K.
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(Inspired by the Herbalist’s Primer thread.)
My eyelids have gotten really hairy, recently. Must have been due to some strange herb I ate. Despite frequent shaving, the eyelid-hair grew longer and more tangled, at a truly alarming rate! The hospital staff couldn’t help, they just diagnosed it as IHES, idiopathic hirsute eyelid syndrome, and sent me home. In sheer desperation, I went to a dodgy back-alley doctor, who turned out to be a dodgy back-alley witch doctor. Luckily, she knew a cure, but before the witch shared the old family recipe, she first swore me to secrecy. Of course, the problem had only kept getting worse and worse, so I could honestly tell her that my lids were sealed.
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Beachcombing can be a dangerous hobby. If you trip and hit your head on a large lump of amber, you might end up comber-tose.
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Skeletor was lounging when he saw Beast Man come in the room.
- ‘Hey, Beast Man, do you know what’s the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?’
- ‘Ehmmmm… no, what is it?’
- ‘So it was YOU, motherf…!!!’
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Just found out that scientists have found a way to weigh rainbows - they discovered that they’re pretty light
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They only weigh a refraction of what you’d expect.
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Science teacher: ‘And if you want to know the colours of the rainbow, just remember: “Richard of York Gave Battle in Vain”.’ 
Student: ‘What a load of bollocks! Can’t you people make up your minds? Half an hour ago, the history teacher told us that Richard of York gave battle in Wakefield.’
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My therapist says I have an addiction to vengeance.
… we’ll see about that…
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New favourite dad joke of mine…
“Why sharks live in salty water…?
Because pepper makes them sneeze”.
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Two women are hanging out and chatting. One of them leans over and whispers “Last night, I slept with two Brazilian guys at the same time!”
The other, shocked, responds “Wow, you’re so bad!.. but how many is a Brazilian…?”
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According to Freud, what is between fear and sex?
Fünf
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This took me a second. 
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A: Knock! Knock!
B: Who’s there?
A: Control Freak.
B: Contr…
A: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
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I tried this on my (adult) son. He smiled, patted me on the head and called me a freak, affectionately.
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