I did propose boardgames. My partner–rightly suggested–that it might be easier to find someone to play online video games with.
I played basketball in highschool and it was lots of fun. I am not sure I learned much about teamwork there. Most of what I learned was probably through games. RPGs, cooperative boardgames, computer games.
I think the among all the games I played, the one that taught me the most lessons–sometimes quite painful ones, too–was World of Warcraft. There I learned about teamwork and leadership and how badly written communication works.
The club activity while not sports is centered around a team competition… which is why it is important.
I’ll also echo the leadership and responsibility roles, and teamwork-based sports/activities. But I would take it one further: ask the teen why they think it is they retreat to work solo.
And then frame an opportunity to respond to that with leadership, responsibility, or a teamwork exercise.
Still not a parent…
And yet sometimes I have the need to post here.
Last week-end we were at a party and some of our friends teenagers proudly (yes, that) made a list for me of all the ways they have hacked the screentime limits imposed by their parents on phones, Steam usage or general internet usage.
One 15 yo had quite the impressive list of (mostly social engineering) type hacks…
watching mom type the “it was too short” password
photographing a visible password that was “long enough”
guessing a password that was too easy to guess
realizing dad’s windows account at home had no password and they could login and send an email with a code for more screentime to themselves (this one I found most impressive!)
disabling the settings that blocked them from the internet somehow bypassing parental controls
I really don’t remember the whole list. But watching the faces of the other kids around him, they had all done it–more than once or twice and had additional methods they weren’t telling me
Another friends’ (rather young) children have been known to sneak up next to a sleeping parent trying to use their thumb to wake up the locked tablet. (this one is the funniest though)
I have heard about this from other friends previously… that kids as young as 6yo manage to evade parental limits easily.
This week-end the “helpless” parents declared that hacking phones appears to be part of this generation’s basic survival skillset.
My partner was invited to a Facebook group where they discuss “Parenting in the Digital Age”
In reality, it’s mostly non-tech-savvy parents fear-mongering that the kids can figure anything out and recommending extremes, such as “get rid of your smartphones and tablets”, “buy expensive specialized-products”, etc.
It’s really a shame that technology (actual technology, not just software use) isn’t a core curriculum in all schools.
I’ve been toying with the idea of teaching “classes” on how to buy one of those NAS products, maintain it, and then layer self-hosted software on it. But having talked with the average parent of other kids at the school, I would have to start at such a fundamental/low level, I’m not sure I’m game.
Most of these parents are younger than me and, seemingly, by the time they were in school, technology classes were Word, Excel, etc and not even the “introductory BASIC” segment that was mandatory when I was there.
Maybe the 1995 Hackers will have a fitting Gen Z remake, as this generation brute-forces their way into technical literacy.
I think it is smart to limit screentime. But if the kids hack it… they have actually learned something and I think most of my friends were a little proud their kids got creative. My friends are all techies. They were listening to the discussion and laughing.
(they stop laughing when it comes to social media usage btw. that’s way more serious to most of them than just an hour or two of additional screentime)
Our screentime limits consist of “turn off the TV/devices now” when it’s time to eat or do homework, and no tablets in bed. I don’t think we could impose arbitrary time limits even if we wanted to.
No-one has access to any social media though, and our eldest (10) still doesn’t have a phone. That may change soonish though, still thinking about it.
My daughter (just turned 11) does not have her own device, she uses one of my computers or Mom’s iPad. Sparingly, but with out arbitrary limits. (If I were to impose such limits, I’d be doing it in the network infrastructure, in addition to the device. And the limitations would probably be not “device can’t connect” but some sort of reporting so I can see what is actually happening. ).
Yeah, we only impose a limit on my eldest’s phone, primalrily to make sure she actually deosn’t get stuck on it. She circumvents it by jumping on the computer to do some homework then segueing into other stuff on it.
She does complain, and says that we are on our phones all the time. Our counter argument is we aren’t and are frequently keeping the house running when we are not on our phone.
Betond that there is an expecatation that they come off devices when we ask. We try and give the deadline a reasonable run in so they can finish the game/video/chat.
So my autistic 11 year old had a temp teaching aide yesterday who neglected to hide it when she punched in the code to unlock an iPad halfway through the day. This, he was watching YouTube and such for a good remainder of the school day. They changed the code last night.
Picking him up today, it sounds like they have been needing to wipe the fingerprints off the screen because he was seeing them and trying to guess the code. He then proceeded to throw dirt on the screen like some frickin’ forensic scientist dusting for prints to figure out the keys.
Where the hell did he figure this out!? What kind of criminal mastermind am I raising?
I feel this. My autistic nephew managed to break into the schools iPads when he was 6 or 7 repeatedly. They don’t know how he did it but I’m guessing some similar CSI stuff!!
i used to work in a building where there were a bunch of keypad locks that had 7 segment led displays for each button. The location of the numbers on pad was randomized everytime it was activated. The thing was polarized or something, so it had a super narrow viewing angle. Clearly, it was protecting against your son, 20 years too soon. One of them was on the supply closet, and the code was helpfully written on the room number sign…
Our eldest is on the verge of dropping out of elementary school, and talking suicide. It’s hard to take the latter seriously, it’s mentioned so casually, but the situation is nonetheless serious. Says she sees everyone as an “enemy”, has taken to wearing a facemask in public to hide her non-expression. Is painfully aware of her own inability in academic subjects (and refuses to recognise her own skill in fast calculation), and lack of social skills. Still somehow manages to do cheerleading on stage. Mum is a nervous wreck as a result.
Feels like everything came to a head very suddenly, hard to do anything positive. She’s ruled out most of our options like talking to parents of bullies, hates teacher intervention, and just wants to withdraw. I don’t think she’s being seriously bullied by anyone, but since a falling-out over a year ago I think she’s been rejecting all interaction with her peers, and they are doubtless doing the same to her. And probably vocally resenting her inclusion in group work and sports, where she underperforms or simply does nothing, and being unkind as kids are.
We have no experience with online schooling, and there’s a lot of conflicting information about it. Is it better to maintain school attendance, drop out as necessary, try online school?
I’m not a parent, but I do have a friend who homeschooled her kids for (I think) a year because her eldest was struggling to cope with “regular” school when she was ~7 years old. I could ask her if she has any thoughts, if that would help? They’re back at school now, so it was a break to let them work through some stuff rather than a permanent situation
Also, does Japan have something equivalent to CAHMs? I also know a couple of people who get regular therapy sessions for their children, including one whose son is a similar age to your daughter and was also talking about suicide - they say it’s been really helpful.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer here. What’s best for one child might not be good for another. Talk to as many people as possible about as many options as possible, but ultimately listen most to you, your child and any specialists/counsellors you feel you trust.
My cousin homeschooled her kids for a few years because she felt the needs of her eldest weren’t being met. The kids are now back in public school and doing well.
My brother-in-law put his youngest in a private school for a few years because of extreme bullying that was causing depression. I don’t think it ever got to her mentioning suicide, but she was definitely retreating into a shell. They are hoping to be able to put her back in public school next year.
I think they would both recommend removing the child from the situation for a while but it was a lot of work / expense for them.
Note: American so “public” means government provided local schools available to all who live in the area
I am so very sorry to hear this as you had previously written that she was having trouble at school and so it did not resolve.
I have several examples but the one that seems most fitting, is one of our friends daughters who spent most of last year out of school due to an eating disorder caused by bullying. I think she was in 5th grade at the time. She has 2 younger sisters.
She spent some time at a specialized clinic with both therapy and some schooling. She is now back in school and last time I talked to her she seemed to be doing fine.
I think a break from the situation can be very beneficial and if they lose a year to this: getting your education is important. Getting it fast is not. If you can do some homeschooling it is surely great. But I am sure she can repeat the grade if nothing else works out. Just make sure to get the necessary paperwork (in German Attest) that frees her from having to go to school.
Our friend was very ashamed this had happened to her family. She almost didn’t dare tell us. And then she found out that two other kids from the same circles were also out of school for similar reasons
The thing that helped those girls here was therapy and distance from the situation causing them harm.
My 12 year old daughter had to prepare for a long road trip and set of airplane flights for spring break and decided on her own to take the kickstarter reprints of Citadel of Chaos and Forest of Doom along with her. So I feel like I’m at least making sure the old ways are on display as items of choice
