I have a stupid cold, which means, since I’m a nice, responsible adult, that I’m skipping BJJ this whole week to avoid contaminating mybfellow students.
Being responsible SUCKS.
8 Likes
It’s taken me a couple of days to figure out how to respond to this, and I’m sure it’s going to be a bit ramble-y, so forgive me if it jumps around a bit.
I can sympathize with these feelings. I mean, I’m tired. I’m tired of being hurt, tired of seeing my wife get hurt, tired of stressing out over the behavior of my children, trying to keep them safe from themselves and each other. My temper is on a hair trigger lately and it’s all I can do not to smack the crap out of them when they hurt one of us or destroy things or do things that will lead to the destruction of stuff. I had to replace their bedroom door for the fourth time, this time with a slab door that should be able to take a beating, and in a fit of rage after some behavior or another this past weekend, I went out and punched a bunch of holes in the old door because I needed that outlet and didn’t even feel the few cuts I picked up on my hand, just noticed the bloody spots that I needed to bandage up.
Our house is spartan by necessity. There’s no pictures or anything on the walls, just a few wall decals high up so my younger kid doesn’t pull them down to chew on them. We have no shelves for books, games, or knick-knacks because they would be climbed on or pushed over. Our dining room chairs are stackable ones that you would see in a conference center, because anything nicer we have ever had just gets broken. We have the doorknob lock on our garage turned the other way around to keep the kids out, and a simple cord locking up the fridge so our younger kid doesn’t eat a full pack of salami all at once. The garage can barely be entered because its so full of stuff that we have to put in there to keep it away from the kids. It’s ridiculous!
I’m in a job that I really don’t feel anything for anymore. It pays the bills, mostly, but I feel no real satisfaction. But really, I don’t feel satisfaction with much of anything as of late. I can enjoy a book or movie, a good meal, playing a game, or spending time with my wife or friends, but it all feels so transitory. And from what we’ve discussed, my wife is pretty much in the same boat, probably even worse. There is so much that we need to do, but lack any energy to actually get it done, despite having all the motivation in the world to do so as it should make things easier for us in the long run. Finding more providers for our kids to give us a bit more free time, finding a contractor who will actually put in a bid for the home renovations we have had approved by disability services, finding more therapy providers, all of these would help, but the constant rejections are hard to deal with to the point it’s hard not to just give it up and assume we’ll never find any help. Even for board games, probably my main outlet for enjoyment these days, it is getting harder to find the time. Lately, even when I could set up something solo in the evenings, even quick things like Maquis or Marvel Champions I’m finding it to be too much work and easier to just mess around on my phone or play a video game.
So believe me when I say, I get it. And I’m not trying to outdo your pain or anything. There’s a line in a song I like which goes, “Everybody’s hurt, and mine ain’t the worst, but it’s mine and I’m feeling it now.” We all have our hurts, our despair, our insecurities, and they are devastating to us, even when we know there are people out there going through worse things. I know things could be even worse than they are. I know it’s entirely likely they will get worse. But I have to hope that things will get better in time and we just have to endure until then.
We all have an intrinsic value. I believe that. So no, you are not worthless. You are not useless. There are people in your life who love you, and whose lives you improve just by you being there. Family, friends, and us here as well. With the feelings you are describing, you may benefit by speaking with a therapist, which I believe is covered in Canada so shouldn’t have out of pocket expense. There is no shame in needing help. We all need it from time to time, even if we don’t all seek it out. I wish you the best and hope you can soon see the worth in yourself that your family and friends see.
22 Likes
A friend of mine was once talking to this guy he didn’t know well. For whatever reason, they got into it. The guy shared all the abuse and traumas he’d suffered in his life, from his father and others. At the end, he laughed and shrugged it off.
My friend asked, “Why do you laugh? None of that sounds funny to me.”
The guy shrugged again. “What else can you do?”
I also didn’t have a better answer. But my friend told him, “You can heal.”
That’s always stuck with me. I don’t want to trivialize healing. It’s a difficult and uncertain process. And I know it can’t really start until the wound is complete. But yeah, it’s always stuck with me. Maybe that’s what else you can do.
8 Likes
Having now had this headache on and off (mostly on) for a month now, I went back to the doctor and this time agreed with him that maybe I should take some time off… and also that some preventative migraine medication might be a good idea
13 Likes
Stress is no joke, my musical-hog friend. Take care of yourself.
7 Likes
Today was my second day back at BJJ after two weeks off due to a cold (the first week I was actively sick, the second I was just spitting a ton of mucus). I am SO wiped out. My everything hurts.
7 Likes
Renting update:
The place I viewed on Saturday emailed me to say they’d had 10 applications, and one of the potential tenants had offered £200 a month more than the asking price, so did I want to change my message to the landlord?
Then the worst of the 5 places I applied for on Sunday rang me in the office at 16.40 and asked if I wanted to view the place on the other side of London at 17.10?
7 Likes
Just got back from Toronto today where, yesterday, I got to tick off a BIG box on my concert bucket list and see Queen (+ Adam Lambert) tear the house down. Holy hell, what an awesome show. Taylor and May haven’t lost a step (although May flubbed a bit of the solo in Killer Queen and looked QUITE cross with himself) and Lambert is honestly pretty damn fantastic. He’s got the voice and the presentation down pat.
My concert bucket list is pretty much complete at this point. I’d still like to see Scorpions, Midnight Oil and Blue Öyster Cult, but none of those rate the same urgency as Queen did.
11 Likes
I have been a big Queen fan all my life but my desire to see them live died with Freddy.
3 Likes
We didn’t change the heating in the house.
Because to switch to electrical heating we first need to insulate the roof.
Then we need to get solar and then we can switch away from the old gas heating system.
Doing the roof is the pre-requisite and it is something that can be done while you live in the house and we prioritized moving over everything else.
Currently we don’t have the cash to start on any of that. Also new electrical heating systems have at least half a year wait time currently. (Just read about Heizungsgesetz)
Obviously, now that winter is coming, the gas heating system which is 22 years old, is starting to break down. There are no replacements parts except used ones… maybe.
I fully expect the plumbing people to find a fix to get us through this winter and figure out a way to heat the house and give us warm water.
What I didn’t expect is that I need to keep telling the two men in the house “that all will be well, a solution will be found.”
In any case, just another complication we didn’t need.
8 Likes
Yeah, I get that. Plus, John Deacon retired in 1997, so it’s really half of Queen… Still, closest thing going.
2 Likes
Update: My dad researched the issue on the internet, debugged the heating system and fixed it himself. With duct-tape. He is now mostly miffed, that the professional repair person that was here yesterday didn’t find the problem with the faulty CO sensor (which is known to be faulty and is largely unnecessary due to how the system is set up in the house)
As I said this afternoon: there was going to be a solution.
7 Likes
Duct tape can fix almost anything. For one, it can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle it.
9 Likes
My dad taught me:
- if it moves and shouldn’t, duct tape it
- if it doesn’t move and should, WD40 it
- that covers 90% of your repair needs
12 Likes
Are these home maintenance or childcare recommendations?
7 Likes
Obvious answer: Yes.
8 Likes
A big part of the other 10 percent involves electrical tape or simple parts…
3 Likes
Hit it with a hammer until it works or it is someone else’s problem…
8 Likes
Feeling all over the place emotionally today. It’s after addressing the school board. Para educators get paid a joke wage yet work with kids with the highest needs. It’s not right.
One of my younger kids paras told me today that I made her cry.
It made me think of when one of my kiddos past therapist. We were never allowed to give gifts. But he had to leave suddenly because his mother was ill.
I had like one day and I made a photo card and a gift card and was able to give it to the receptionist to slip it to him.
She told me later that my card is what let him know that he made a difference. The burnout is so high working with children like mine. I get it. I absolutely do.
And unless changes the burnouts just going to continue and people are going to leave. Skilled people. People who love my children. People who were vocal about the differences they noticed ended whatever they could to support them at our family’s worst.
Whew It just brings up all sorts of emotion.
On a plus side I have been in therapy. I don’t remember if I mention that here but I am. I have been referred for EMDR and I’m waiting on a place to have room for me.
And until then I’m having visits with my therapist.
Apparently I am very reasonable in my reactions to the sheer amount of stuff we’ve been through. And stuff I’ve been through in the past.
22 Likes